This is my inside

Two Shoes TuesdayI hoped Ed Sheeran would be my muse this morning. His music has been playing on shuffle for the last hour, but instead of being creatively ignited by rhythm and lyrics, I have merely been bobbing my head up and down, rocking shoulders left and right, in the midst of an imaginary crowd of musicians, surrounded by no one, but the dog.

Thunder grumbles outside the window, a grey sky threatening to unleash its summer spray. So I continue to sit inside. Waiting for the rain to fall. Waiting for the words to come, until all at once, a trickle leaks from the sky, quickly turning to a flood. The house grows dark, The dog shakes. The windows rattle and the trees start to follow the same back and forth motion of my shoulders, dancing in the rain.

I feel like I need to write a laundry list of moments to connect my last post to this one, a road map of events to neatly tie together April to July. But perhaps what happens on the outside matters very little since my inside continues to stay the same. Places I’ve been. People I’ve seen. Who I was in April, is really no different from who I am today.

Today I am contemplative. Today I am listening to Ed Sheeran and watching the rain while my sweet Luna puppy quivers in my lap. Today I am sad for all the inequity, violence and suffering there is in the world. Today I am thankful for even the tiniest bit of shared compassion, selflessness and unconditional love for humankind.

Today I play over and over the conversation DW and I had back in April over dinner.

“Perhaps it’s time to make a greater impact on the world, ” I said, “make someday today.”

“Perhaps you’re right, ” DW replied.

We have been married for thirteen years now, and for the last 10, we have talked around the idea of opening our home to another child. Strangely, it has always been a separate conversation than the idea of “creating” another child of our own.

“The world does not need another copy of me,” DW would joke.

When my eyes are closed, when I let my mind and heart mingle, I picture at least three children. I picture my daughters holding hands with another, guiding them with patience and unconditional love. I picture my whole family being a combination of shapes and sizes, quilted together by the threads of our existence, our need to be together and support one another, our desire to not leave a mark on the world, but instead, leave an impression of kindness.

Surprisingly, I have done a lot of writing over the last few months, just not for public viewing. I have had to dig deep inside, answering questions, responding to concerns, filling out forms, reassuring myself  and reassuring others that I do not own rose-colored-glasses.  I am both excited and scared to be near the end of this process. We are merely days away from being licensed as a foster care home with the intent to adopt. We are days away from potentially making one of the most dramatic changes to the dynamics of our family. However, it may surprise you that I feel like we have already received the most amazing gift, regardless if we are placed with a child. The gift of insight about the inner workings of our family. The gift of realizing my children have not only embraced, but cherish, the same world view and vision that DW and I have modeled. This licensing process has asked us to have deeper conversations about religion, values and moral vision. It has required us to acknowledge our mistakes or weaknesses and hone in on ways to improve our relationships. Our hopes and fears have been laid out on the table, with the understanding that our journey may take several detours before ever reaching our final destination.

This process has pulled everything from the inside to the surface. And I have reached a point of being more scared of staying the same than I am of the inevitable change.

*I am taking part in Two Shoes Tuesday hosted by Josie @ Two Shoes in Texas. Today’s prompt words were inside and extra.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “This is my inside

  1. How wonderful and compassionate you and DW are INSIDE, to open your home and hearts to this huge change in family structure. I thank you, the World thanks you.

    Val

  2. I am honored that you have come to Two Shoes Tuesday to present this post, Emily. I found myself totally immersed in the mood of your contemplation, and then the powerful revelations at the end. WOW! I can’t wait to follow along with your story and see where it leads. In my mind there is nothing more blessed than those who reach out and give their hearts and lives to others. Thank you so much for inviting us inside your thoughts today, it is a pleasure to meet you!

    1. Oh Josie! I am so appreciative of your comments – I’ve really enjoyed lurking in the shadows of your blog posts for a while actually. I’m not sure what took me so long to join your Tuesday link.

  3. I loved reading this, and probably reading your mind too! Having three children of our own many years ago seems selfish now when a home could be given to a little one who really needs it. I suppose we should ensure that our footprint on the world has no detrimental effects to future generations. Sadly though we seem to be still going in the wrong direction.

  4. I wish you the best of luck with the process. Weirdly, the idea of fostering etc has been on my mind lately. Not in relation to myself, certainly not in any immediate sense (I’m eighteen, way too young to think about that kind of thing), but it’s been there as an idea. I think it’s because I recently watched a TV show where the protagonist was fostered, and has a foster brother; it’s ended up spilling into my current novel, too. I can imagine it’ll be a very different experience to having children of your own, but I’m sure you’ll do brilliantly.

      1. Plenty of time to conclude that even if I was interested I’m nowhere near responsible enough to live with any other human, let alone a small and helpless one… oh wait, I already concluded that. 😉

  5. I just found you via Two Shoes Tuesday. I love the idea that you are doing all of this and the change will be good, not only for you two as a couple, but for the family as a whole and the new child you are going to foster. I have very good friends who did the same and after 18 months their foster became their own. The impact this has on the world as a whole is over powering.

    1. WOW – 18 months! I hope my heart and my patience can endure that much uncertainty. I am a person who likes a plan…and a deadline. Thank you for your encouraging words.

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