There have been no words here or anywhere. At least not written.
Thoughts and snippets of ideas and conversations with myself rumble around in my head, keeping me up at night, pushing me to the edge during the day, but never make it to the page. I feel a bit trapped in my body. I do not remember the exact moment of disconnection, or the exact last breath of creativity and personal expression. But at some point this summer, I stepped away from myself. I filled my days taking care of people and things. I wasted time with lots of business but not much substance, telling myself “right now is just not my season“.
But that’s what moms are supposed to do, right? The role of wife and mother is about sacrifice and service. Yet, each time I sat down to write, or even thought about writing, bitterness churned my stomach, and the sour taste of vexation burned my throat.
I was wrapped up in the selfish question of, “When is it my turn?”, keeping the fire of resentment burning.
Instead of pouring over the day’s lesson plan one more time, or throwing another load of laundry in the wash, I decided to enjoy a steaming mug of coffee in the dark this morning. I buried myself in blankets and listened to the quiet of a sleeping house.
One question surfaced, “why not now?”
With no expectations of writing today, I decided to at least read a few of my favorite blogs. Ironic then, that the word mercy would be today’s Five Minute Friday prompt. The definition of mercy is compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one’s power to punish or harm.
I let the word mercy sink in a little and then suddenly gave myself permission again to take a break from everyone else. It was okay to spend time with myself without feeling guilty. I needed to be reminded to show myself little mercies throughout the day and not dwell on unfinished tasks. It was time to forgive my weaknesses and move on.
“I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” – Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray