I linger in doorways, overwhelmed by the mess. Closing my eyes, I try to picture one thing at a time and listen for someone else’s voice. Listen for solace. But I am still fearful to enter, panicked where to start. Conversations merge, translations are lost and I am left with raw emotion. Everything looks like graffiti, sounds like white noise and I worry about the week, the month, the year.
I forget to enjoy the day, the hour, the moment.
I hear my youngest daughter say the same things, “what if I don’t get that last skill? What if I can’t move up a level in gymnastics? What if I don’t finish my lesson on time? What if?”
want need to stand closer, speak in a whisper rather than a shout. I need to notice the details, rather than get distracted by the menagerie. I have friends being forced to look at every detail, their health and future unknown, and yet they somehow manage to find joy in the small things. They see a moment as a blessing and don’t wish it away by worrying about the next. I am tired of this bird’s-eye view. I want to be nose to nose, so close I feel cross-eyed. So close I can feel life’s breath hot on my face.
“The trick to forgetting the big picture is to look at everything close up.”
― Chuck Palahniuk