Five Minute Friday: Broken

5-minute-friday-1My 40th birthday is next Tuesday. I have planned nothing. Usually birthdays are an excuse to make big purchases, go on fun trips with my girlfriends or make a big fuss with family and friends over drinks. But not this year. This year I feel detached and ambivalent. This time last year I was in the best shape ever, training for my first half marathon. I felt lean and strong. I felt whole. Now I feel plump and weak. Broken. I have found ten of the twenty-ish pounds I lost last year and I have not run a single mile since October’s Halloween 5k.

I have stopped moving.

The Tortoise turned 15 this past Wednesday. We celebrated with dinner out that night and are completely transforming her preteen room into one of style, sophistication and glamor. She’s chosen a black, grey, and white color palette with a few splashes of pink and couture. My daughter is excited about finishing her first year of high school and is already thinking about college plans. She is picturing her future, seeing that dreams can become reality. She is building something amazing with her life, experiencing new things everyday. I am both proud and in awe of her confidence and beauty.

She is moving forward.

Maybe that is where I am disconnected. I don’t picture any future plans for myself other than what I am doing right now. And I have no motivation to push myself to make a new goal, or create a new vision. It’s overwhelming to know I achieved a big goal like the half-marathon last year and have let the momentum slip away. Now I am starting over. No longer am I motivated by the promise of “I think I can, I think I can”, but instead am being dragged down by negative self-talk of “You would’ve been so much farther if you hadn’t stopped. Now you are starting over”.

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9 thoughts on “Five Minute Friday: Broken

  1. Happy Birthday! Welcome to your 40s it’s not a bad place to be. Don’t despair – you are not broken and life is all about starting over. You are just at a crossroads and seem to be doing a lot of thinking and that can be a good thing. This is where you are today, it may not be perfect, but it is ok. I have gone from bar-hopping to running marathons to just walking. And yes, I feel the fat rolls in places I have never had them before and feel menopause’s fingers grasping at my neck. I’m embarrassed to tell people I ran marathons, it seems so long ago and so impossible now. But I have done it and that is something. And I had to slow down, my body needed it and now I am thinking I will have to start over. And that is not a bad thing – it just is where I am at. You will be ok. Think of all the things you have done from 15 until now, how many new starts? Now put on your sneakers and get out there and run. Don’t worry about how fast or how far.

  2. First of all, happy 40th birthday!!! That’s so exciting! Secondly, This post spoke right to me, right where I am. I’ve let negative self-talk of what would’ve/could’ve been drag me down for far too long. I’m inspired to get moving again. Thanks for a great post. ~Tanya, visiting from FMF

  3. This is exactly how I feel about exercise and my writing.

    I had such momentum going at one point,and it faded, making every word a battle.

    Working out still hasn’t recovered from missing a month when I lost gym access.

    I’m trying not to make excuses, but things that must be done keep chipping away at my small bits of free time and I find myself unable to focus during those rare moments, like my brain has forgotten.

    I so hear you, hon. ((HUGS))

  4. I can so relate to this. I ran my first half marathon last October and have only run a handful of times since. And while I do have regret, tomorrow’s a new day and I know there is plenty of grace for us all. Have a wonderful weekend!

  5. No longer am I motivated by the promise of “I think I can, I think I can”, but instead am being dragged down by negative self-talk of “You would’ve been so much farther if you hadn’t stopped. Now you are starting over”.

    I have often felt that way — I left ballet classes just before I turned eleven and started again when I was fifteen, and I was really annoyed at myself because I felt I missed the opportunity to be a good dancer that I would have otherwise had. But more recently I’ve come to realise that I had my reasons for stopping (significant health factors), and it probably did me good, as if I hadn’t had that break I wouldn’t have learned to love dancing again. Even though for the first year of resuming classes I felt negative and miserable, I’ve now learned that I’m happier at the school I’m at now than the one I would’ve been at if I’d stayed, and I probably have more dance friends too! In the end, it was a blessing in disguise.

    So do not lose hope! Starting over isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

  6. Some days, when the grace falls upon me just so, I’m able to remember that every day – every moment even – I am starting over. Most days, however, I don’t remember, and it feels like there is a small rock in my shoe that keeps materializing there, over and over again, no matter how many times I stop and remove it. Maybe, in its own way, the rock is a form of grace, too.

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