I might need your help remembering who I am.

English: A photo of a cup of coffee. Esperanto...
English: A photo of a cup of coffee. Esperanto: Taso de kafo. Français : Photo d’une tasse de caffé Español: Taza de café (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The Hare and I held school in cafes, coffee shops and book stores for a few weeks while we got our internet and power sorted out completely. It turned out to be a combination of weather and construction.

We are finishing two rooms in our basement, and some of the cable wiring got jumbled in the process. Everything was back in working order just before Thanksgiving, but by then, so much time had passed, I had forgotten how to sit down and write. I let holiday preparation, school and the needs of others dictate my daily schedule. I forgot the little parts of me that fulfilled my days. I’m still learning how to balance wants and needs.

And then it was Thanksgiving break. My parents came to visit for a week from Virginia. All I wanted to do was be still, remember what it felt like to not be in charge, or have responsibilities and just enjoy my family. For the first time, I purchased prepared food for most of our Thanksgiving dinner, and threw last-minute ingredients in the crock-pot the rest of the week. And instead of loading up in the car playing tourists, we spent most of our time together in pajamas, watching every Harry Potter movie, while gorging on popcorn, ice-cream and pie. When my parents left on Saturday, I wasn’t ready to face reality yet, so we spent the weekend eating take-out and watching more movies. It was truly a vacation from life, and yet we never left the house.

Monday morning was mean. I stood on the scale in disbelief, blinking back tears. Little pieces of me have been disappearing since school started. This time last year I was charting training days as I worked towards my first half marathon. Right now my treadmill and elliptical are buried in the back of our basement waiting for their new home to be carpeted. It took me a year to lose 17 pounds, and yet only a few months to gain 8 of them back. This morning I actually had to read a few of my last posts to remember where I “left off.”

Hard to believe that last year I was considering getting a masters of creative writing.

I don’t know if this is my usual holiday bah-hum-bug syndrome rearing its ugly head, or just an inability to fully embrace our new lifestyle, but either way, I am done mucking around in this emotional swamp of self-pity.  I can’t wait for the new year to make resolutions, I need reprieve now. Unfortunately, I don’t know what the “magic” formula is to create habits, good or bad, so I better make these next four weeks count.

5 thoughts on “I might need your help remembering who I am.

  1. How often do our dreams get swallowed up in the needs of our family. Good for you to lower the bar on your Thanksgiving and not try to recreate a Martha Stewart fantasy! Remember what your goals are with home-schooling–I bet you have a much happier child. You can’t do everything at once–try to celebrate your successes.

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