For some reason, I believe it is necessary to remind myself I am “almost” 40 often, even though, I won’t actually turn 40 for another 153 days. Maybe it’s the new sallowness of my skin tone, or abundance of grey hair that makes me dwell on this number. Or perhaps it is the increasing number of body aches, hot flashes and brain fog that makes me loath my impending birthday. My mom has told me a thousand times that her 40’s were her best years, but I’m reluctant to believe, especially as I find myself crankier about loud noises and fun in general.
I had considered creating a bucket list, to help me get excited about my future, but it only made me more anxious. What if I can’t finish everything on the list? What if I can’t think of anything worth listing? This is an absurd level of neurosis. The next thing you know, I’ll be stocking up on Metamucil and Bengay. Those are the kinds of things that keep me awake at night. It’s no wonder I am so tired in the morning. Besides the fact I can’t make it through a whole night without having to go pee at least once.
In the past, I have celebrated milestone birthdays with great gusto (i.e. large amounts of alcohol, sandy beaches, and cute tour guides). My besties and I have been anticipating the next big birthday trip, perhaps with false hopes, because the only thing I really want to do for my 40th birthday is sleep late at a fancy hotel and then check myself into a day spa. I am even considering looking for a destination that has a 5k or a 10k to run during the same weekend. (I get excited about new appliances too.)
Suddenly it hit me last night, the realization that I don’t need to create a bucket list to illustrate future successes or to count down the last years of my life, because my bucket is already full. I am overlooking all the amazing things I have already accomplished, things that will undoubtedly lead me to more success in the future, and things that will help me appreciate this season of my life.
And actually, the whole idea of a “bucket list” is quite depressing. After all, once you cross everything off your bucket list, aren’t you just left with an empty bucket?
Today I am linking up with