Things I don’t say out loud

English: Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions
English: Robert Plutchik’s Wheel of Emotions (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Outside the closed door, voices trickled down the hall. The Hare sat in a chair, feet planted firmly on the edge, legs bent while balancing an electronic game on her knees. I waited patiently on the doctor’s table.

As I tightened my pony tail, the slickness of my hair reminded me that I hadn’t washed it since Friday, and it was now Monday. At least my clothes were clean. This was a follow-up appointment to check on a medication increase, an appointment I had already rescheduled once, but still didn’t really have time to spare. There never seems to be enough time.

A suppressed yawn fought to escape.

“How is everything going?” asked the nurse, entering the room.


Except that my whole house is a disaster. Laundry is multiplying at record speed, dishes are still sitting in the sink from the weekend and there isn’t any produce or milk left in my refrigerator.

“I just have a few questions to ask before you see the doctor,” she continued.


As long as the questions aren’t about me.  I’m a little overwhelmed with questions and answers right now, so unless it has to do with 5th grade, gymnastics, swimming, high school drama or  keeping my husband happy, you might be out of luck.

“Are you experiencing overwhelming feelings of anxiety?”


Well, nothing out of the usual, anyway. I’m always anxious. I worry about my kids and my husband.  I worry about our parents and siblings, friends and family. I worry about how my house and myself look. I worry about failing.

“Are you having difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep?”


However, I am having difficulty finding time to sleep. I go to bed too late and I get up too early. Occasionally I wake up in the middle of the night because the dog can’t sleep and my husband snores. On Friday afternoons, I sometimes fall asleep in my car while waiting for The Hare to get out of her co-op class.

“Have you noticed a decrease in appetite?”

“Not at all.”

I think homeschooling is making me fat. I feel like I snack all day long. Can education be bad for your health?

“How about a decrease in energy?”

“Everything is normal.”

Whatever normal is, anyway. My running came to a screeching halt once school started and I haven’t been to yoga in a month. The more time that passes without exercise, the less motivated I am to start again. And there seems to be half-finished projects all over the place.

“And what would you say is the reason you started seeing the doctor for depression in the first place?”

“My crazy hormones.”

Or perhaps my age, my parental responsibilities, my marital contributions, my unfulfilled goals and life in general.

“OK then, do you have any questions for the doctor?”


Unless of course the doctor can tell me how to be less anxious, more organized and make time for myself to write and exercise. Or perhaps tell me how to get rid of hormonal hot flashes and brain fog or stop aging in general. Then, then, I might have a question.

10 thoughts on “Things I don’t say out loud

  1. I always appreciate your sharing; it helps me to remember that none of us are alone in this ‘crazy, hurry up, do it all perfectly, put yourself last’ world. I teach kindergarten and those kiddos inspire me to take it all in….one piece at a time, but even they don’t get the time to slow down and nap.

  2. I am so where you are at. I can’t believe this time last year I ran a half-marathon and now I can’t even run for 10 minutes! And I also never respond to the dr’s questions with what is in my head:) good to know I’m not the only one.

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