In three weeks I will be doing my best to refrain from either anxiety driven or flat-out exertion induced vomiting while running my first half-marathon. This last month has also proven to be more challenging to stay on my running schedule. School is almost out, and suddenly there seems to be an over abundance of projects, volunteer opportunities and activities getting in the way of my goal. My last run was a 2.25 mile tempo run, almost a week ago. My body and mind are going through running withdrawal. Now fear is creeping in, a fear of failure and foolishness.
“Wow, you must really like running,” is a common phrase I hear, especially if I tell them that I am training for a long run.
The truth is, I really don’t like it at all. My muscles ache, my joints are sore, my back has broken out in disgusting acne, my toes are deformed from all of the blisters bursting and reforming, and to be perfectly honest, the chaffing in my more “delicate” areas has been rather uncomfortable.
However, what I do like is the feeling after I have completed a run. I made this commitment to myself out of desperation. Acidic depression had eaten through my self-esteem, leaving me with a feeling of vulnerability and lack of control. I was at the mercy of my emotions. Running has given me control over my body. I can work through the physical and mental pain, knowing there is an end. Every step is closer to a goal.
My lack of running this past week seems to be in correlation to my mood. It has been harder to find motivation than time, because honestly, there is always time, somewhere. Today I met with my personal trainer and small fitness group. It has been almost two weeks since we’ve worked out together. I dreaded the minutes on the road, picturing myself drinking another cup of coffee and reading blog posts. A half hearted smile was all I could muster to greet my small group. My body moaned and whined for the first few minutes. I just pushed through it, ignoring the trembling fatigue, until the hour was completed.
Now I feel optimistic again, mentally and physically strong, in control and proud of reaching a goal, finishing something I started.
I guess it is really true when people say, “Fake it, until you make it.”