If only I knew then, what I know now, or at least something close

Today I’m linking up with Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. The prompt I chose was, “What about school do you miss the least?” In just eleven short days, our house will suddenly have a freshman in high school and it got me thinking about my own high school days – those, awkward, uncomfortable, and overly dramatic school days. 

I hold my breath, clutching my backpack firmly on one shoulder, waiting for an opportunity to break in to their tiny circle. He is surrounded by pretty girls. Girls who giggle and toss their hair back. Girls whose mother’s let them wear short skirts and push-up bras. Exhaling slowly, my body moves closer, hoping to slide between him and the annoying cheer leader. My stomach cramps, my palms sweat, thinking about our bodies being so close together.

Only an arm’s length away, he senses my presence, and turns his face slightly in my direction. The annoying cheer leader reaches out, puts her hand on his arm, and draws him back to her, shutting me out of the circle. She is not smarter than me. I don’t even think she is prettier than me. And yet, I am defeated by her charm and ability to command attention.

Bitch.

So I just keep walking past the superficial chatter. A lump sticks in my throat, as I try saying hi, but it sounds more like a croak or a yip. He smiles. Is that out of pity or politeness? I’ll never know, because I’ll just continue to adore him from afar. Sitting behind him in Spanish class, hovering near his lunch table, or becoming friends with his friends will be the best I can offer, because somehow, it seems a better idea to never be noticed than to be noticed and then let down.

Me as a freshman in high school

7 thoughts on “If only I knew then, what I know now, or at least something close

  1. Oh, it’s YOUR blog that’s been popping up in subscriptions! I was totally baffled because it doesn’t come up as “My Pajama Days” any more. Aha, mystery solved 😀
    Also, as a year 11 student (erm, that’s a sophomore in High School for you, I think. I’m 16) I know this feeling all too well….

  2. Yeah, growing up sucks sometimes, doesn’t it? Wish we could bypass all of those times when we felt small or defeated, but there is only one cute boy you really had to get your courage up to meet, and then he was yours forever. So it all works out in the end.

  3. If we had a dollar for every cute guy we didn’t talk to in high school…we would have paid for at least a semester of college! Great story…I liked the detail about the cheerleader.

  4. Oh my, been there and done that! If only we could have known how truly special each of us is when we were in high school!

    It seems, though, that we each have to grow into confidence. It’s a journey … I bet that cheerleader even had doubts although she didn’t act like it!

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