Not For the Faint of Heart, Apply at Your Own Risk

38-year-old wife and mother seeking an assistant wife.

Duties include, but not limited to: bill paying, transportation services, catering, laundry services, home organization, educational assistance, housekeeping, and party planning.

Must not value personal space or have strong attachments to personal items. Must be prepared to share clothes with a teenager, with the knowledge that borrowed items will either never be returned or will be returned in sub-par condition. Must be able to refrain from drinking and driving while listening to the high-pitched squeals of multiple girls in a moving vehicle. Must be able to keep their mouth shut about clothing choices made by a 9-year-old girl, even if she looks like  she is applying for a job with the circus. Must never re-make beds that do not meet their personal standard. Must be okay with daily rejection and harsh criticism about what is for dinner. Must be prepared to repeat themselves continuously in a rational and non-defensive manner when asking for help or giving instructions. In general, the ability to shrug off rude comments and harsh tones from family members without losing their temper is expected and required. Must be able to watch the same movie or listen to the same song a hundred times over without going crazy. Personal hygiene optional.

Some perks include, but not limited to: random hugs and kisses, snuggling in bed watching cartoons, eating raw cookie dough, Rock Band or Karaoke marathons, dancing in the kitchen, being loved unconditionally.

Applicants should expect nothing in return for their efforts. Working conditions are inconsistent and sometimes hostile. Bonuses are rare. You will be required to be on-call 24 hours, 7-days a week. Greying hair, weight gain, wrinkles and a loss of identity are possible side-effects of these conditions.

Women seeking personal gains and daily recognition need not apply.

The Red Writing Hood assignment this week,  from Write on Edge , was to write a personal ad, looking for love. It could be from the perspective of a character, or one for you or someone you know. The word limit was 300.

15 thoughts on “Not For the Faint of Heart, Apply at Your Own Risk

  1. I so want that job back!! This single parenting gig where I have to be mommy, student, employee, and screening potential life partners to include in my chaos is getting old. I am glad you are able to put the frustrations into perspective and I love that you keep your sense of humor. You are my hero.

  2. How many applications have your received? I venture to say there is at least one slighty delusional, hard of hearing non english speaking person looking for just such a position. Thanks for the chuckle.

  3. Giggling at this:

    Working conditions are inconsistent and sometimes hostile.

    My three year old is the Mood Swing Queen…

    We all need assistant wives. Or a commune of like-minded women. Our husbands can come, too 🙂

  4. I believe I qualify for that as it sounds a lot like my current position with the exception of letting the boss leave the house looking like a clown. I just can’t bring myself to do that-I’m improving on this skill though and hope to move forward in this aspect of my job. My benefits don’t include cookie dough though. Maybe it’s time to renegotiate my contract.

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