If You Talk That Loud, I Will Comment

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Occasionally I feed my family, so on a random day last week I was scaling the aisles at the grocery store, trying to pull together a meal for that night.

I’ve been trying to pitch a TV show idea to the Food Network but so far no response. Sort of like Chopped, only instead of trained chefs, use haggard moms that only have 30 minutes, a house full of screaming kids and 5 ingredients to make dinner. Plus, instead of mystery baskets filled with ridiculous ingredients like buffalo balls,  have them contain more common pantry food items like Spaghetti O’s, Italian Bread Crumbs and Juicy Juice. Of course, the show would not be complete without a kitchen full of wilted lettuce, expired spices and moldy cheese. Seriously! What mom wouldn’t watch a show that was both entertaining and educational?

But I digress…

I was in stealth mode, racing feverishly to avoid being recognized. Flip-flop flailing, makeup-less and probably still in my pajamas, I stumbled upon a well-dressed couple in their 50’s scanning the beans.

I needed beans but they were blocking my ability to grab and go.

I waited patiently.

Apparently they were having a very intellectual conversation about marketing.

“Vegetarian Baked Beans?” squawked the husband, “How dumb do they think we are?”

“I know!” replied his bookish looking wife, “I mean, beans ARE a vegetable!”

“Wouldn’t that make all baked beans vegetarian?” added the husband.

“Yes, but then they wouldn’t be able to charge as much,” said the wife.

um, excuse me

“It’s just ridiculous what the marketing and packaging people come up with these days,” they both agreed.


The apparently clueless couple turned around to face me.

“Actually, not all baked beans are vegetarian, ” I said reaching across for what I needed. “Only vegetarian baked beans are void of all animal fat or by products.”

“Animal fat?” mouthed the wife, reading the back of her Texas-style grilled baked beans.

“Yeah, ” I said leaving the aisle, “Animal. Fat.”



8 thoughts on “If You Talk That Loud, I Will Comment

  1. Great TV show, isn’t reality all the rage? Most of our baked beans are veggie round here fortunately. Maybe you can add a whole episode on how to get veggies into children … oh, and husbands! 😉

  2. Love the TV show idea. Think you need three little kids crying, though, and saying your food is stinky and they’ll vomit if you make them eat it.

  3. I’m giggling. Clearly they haven’t seen the cans marked “Pork and Beans” or noticed the giant chunk of meat swimming in the bean sauce.

    Also, for real, a frazzled mom cooking show is a good idea. There are so many days I’m running late, my actual meal plan goes out the window, and something fast & easy & without a billion ingredients would be a godsend 🙂

    I guess I could always just have hot dogs and the (always vegetarian, duh!) baked beans.

  4. Great TV show idea, except some of the appliances in the kitchen should be broken, and some of the utensils should be scattered about on the lawn. Every episode should end with the children playing with their food instead of eating it, and otherwise totally misbehaving at the table. I’m going now to pour myself a cup of vegetarian coffee.

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