Days Like Today

The dog refused to come inside. It’s 35 degrees, so instead of snow, we are getting rain. I stood out in the precipitation for 10 minutes waiting for Luna to potty. She meandered around in snow paths left from her own tracks. A piddle here. A poop there.

“Luna, come.”

She looked at me with disdain, something else had caught her attention, holding more importance than her master.

“Luna! I said COME.”

Luna trotted around to the side yard, just out of sight. I decided to try DW’s approach, go inside, slam the door loudly and wait for her to whimper on the front porch to be let in the house. It was only  30 seconds before I was hit with  anxiety.

What if she runs in the street after a walker? What if she takes off into the woods chasing a squirrel or something?

I ran back outside, calling her name again. No answer. My flannel pajamas suddenly felt thin as the wind whipped around me. My down coat still hung on the back of my desk chair in the house.  I found Luna still nosing around the side yard. My shivering arms scooped her up angrily.

“Luna! I said come and you didn’t listen. That makes mommy very mad.”

I know I’m talking to a dog who will never respond or even understand and yet I continue to try to communicate. It’s part of my ever diminishing mommy mental stability. It’s as rational as me talking to my kids everyday about helping out more, hoping that one of these days they will respond beyond eye rolling and heavy sighs.

As I stomped through the snow in my slippers, my foot hit a patch of ice. I could feel myself go down. Clutching Luna in my left hand, tucking her safely under my arm, I tried to regain my balance. Unsuccessfully. Suddenly I found myself on my knees in the cold, wet snow. Luna snug against my body, my right hand buried in the snow. My knees stung. The palm of my hand ached immediately.

“Perfect.”

Luna is currently in “time-out”. She coward into her kennel, sensing my frustration. I’m sure my fall made her nervous enough, but perhaps she understands that she is part of my disappointment. Faint whines fall on deaf ears at the moment. But I know it will be mere seconds before I let her pitiful brown eyes beg for forgiveness, followed by a face full of kisses. It’s hard to stay mad at her, although my throbbing palm is a good reminder.

Yesterday was a day like today too.

Actually, the whole weekend was a day like today. I don’t know how working moms manage. I really don’t. The only thing I  wanted for myself over this 3-day weekend was to get caught up on some writing. However, not a word I wrote, other than a grocery list. My time was spent cleaning bathrooms and a kitchen, driving kids to practices and friends’ houses, working on a book report project, helping with math studies, everybody’s laundry, family time and a band concert.  That is a typical daily schedule. If I was working, I’d have to add that to the mix. I am exhausted before the day even starts.

I want to write full-time. I want to utilize my degree and artistic abilities in a professional capacity, but how? It is said over and over that to be a writer you just have to write. I get that, but what I really need to know is when? After the kids go to bed? Between carpool and volunteer hours? In the early morning before everyone gets up for the day? I try and take snippets of my day and fill them with words, but some days are easier than others. Today I have a morning meeting, grocery shopping, two orthodontic appointments, gymnastics practice, and soccer practice.

How do other successful writers and bloggers manage their time?

I am well aware at how privileged I am to be able to stay home with my children, especially now that they are in school full-time. But days like today still make me sad, frustrated, resentful and asking myself,

“Really? This is what I wanted to be when I grew up?”

6 thoughts on “Days Like Today

  1. i know how you feel. there really are days…
    but then i also know that in your heart of hearts, being a mom (and a stay at home one, at that) brings you joy.
    the opportunity to be there for them especially during the times they need you the most is something that you will always be thankful for… and i know you won’t have it any other way.
    relax. go grab some coffee. write whenever possible. let your kids inspire you 🙂
    hugs, SGM
    ps…
    if you have the chance, check out
    my latest blog… it relates somewhat.
    🙂

  2. This captures my life, my frustrations with writing time, and the precise tone that I scold my almost 4 year old (only you know, it was toward the dog).

    I know I’m blessed to stay at home.

    But most days, carving a small slice of Me Time is more challenging than loading up two children in the car under the age of four to go to the grocery store in under twenty minutes – and that’s on a nice day that doesn’t require articles of winter clothing.

    I would say 90% of the time, my writing is done after the children go to bed. My husband has grown detest my blogging, because it takes away from us spending time together – but if I don’t write, I feel my brain lapsing into atrophy.

    It’s a no-win situation and one we’re still trying to find the perfect balance on. Just when we think something will work, it’s complicated by nights of interrupted sleep while Lil Diva cuts her molars and develops yet another ear infection.

    So yeah… All that babbling, still no answers. I’m as lost as you are.

    I also wanted to let you know I read your blog, but the commenting part tends to fall behind blogging and sleep – because while I have perfected blog reading during my mini-moments via handheld device, I suck at replying using them and must wait for computer time.

    Let me know if you find the answer.

  3. You are not alone! When I read things like this it reminds me that parenting is not easy, period. Whether you are a working mom or not. I’ve done both, and am about to go back to the workforce again for a full time position for 3 months. The only thing I will say is when I am working, I do get the chance to focus on me, my job, and not be thinking about my kids or house. I do get the chance to get up, get dressed and find a reason to put makeup on. I do get the chance to go to the bathroom in utter, complete privacy. I get the chance to think of myself first. Those are the little things that make working full time worthwhile for me. But, after a full day’s worth of work, coming home with the kids and still having to do everything else is what makes it not worthwhile at the same time. There is no easy solution!

  4. I don’t have any kids (well, except a cat, but she is fairly low maintenance), but I think I know how you feel. Work, cooking, exercise, blogging, and then add in all of the extra events and things I do (a social life, yea… about that…) and there are many days I worry about getting burnt out too early in life.

    The only way I manage is anally mapping out my calendar, multi-tasking, and preparing ahead.

    Jessica

  5. My dog refuses to go outside in snow and rain. So he pees in the house. I may murder him. He’s also so stressed out about it he’s shedding hair in clumps. So maybe I’ll shave him and THEN murder him.

  6. I don’t have children, but I understand to some degree how difficult it can be to manage my time. For me, setting one small goal has helped – t0 write one article a day. If I do more, I’m feeling really good! But one in manageable right now, and hopefully as I learn and grow I will build up to more.

    PS. Cute pup!

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