Cologne Scented Salesmen Should Be Outlawed

I never intended to leave the house today. At least, not more than to take The Hare to school. Suitcases, Christmas boxes and dishes are still cascading throughout the house. My home looks like something between an obstacle course at Chuck E. Cheese and a break-in.

It started out promising. I actually took a shower between The Tortoise leaving for school and The Hare waking up. (So that is what I should have been doing with my 45-minute window every morning!) The only thing on my mind was cleaning when I rummaged through my closet. I’m a Salvation Army Store junkie. Today’s fruitful picks were a pair of faded maroon and pink Abercrombie sweat pants, a double layer of long-sleeved pink t-shirts, a pink scarf and a pony-tail. No make-up. And in my rush, a pair of moccasins without socks. (It was 29 degrees out this morning. Not well thought out.)

Unfortunately, just as The Hare and I were about to leave for school she states:

“I guess Sissy is buying lunch at school today.”

“Huh? No, I made her a sandwich.”

I turn around and see The Hare holding her sister’s lunch bag in her hand, and a sly grin on her face. I grab the bag, swing on my very happy periwinkle down parka and head out the door. Well of course, now that I was out, I thought of a million little things that I decided needed my attention right away. A trip to Staples and a trip to the Verizon Wireless store. My phone started acting crazy about a year after we purchased it – The Palm Centro. Love the Palm, hate the phone, but too cheap to upgrade to a Smart Phone with all its bells and whistles. Seriously? I need to check Facebook in the middle of the grocery store? Unless there’s an app that can tell me which wines have the least amount of calories or how many meals a bag of salt and vinegar chips equals, I just don’t see the point. However, DW suggested I just look at my options before I totally poo-poo the Smart Phone route. Whatever. They are all way cooler than I could ever hope to be with their fancy touch screens and flashing lights.

It was early in the day so the store was pretty empty. Only one person ahead of me. I meandered around, waiting patiently for some slick sales-guy to try and sell me the most expensive option in the store.

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Suddenly, a warm scent overcame me – a mixture of musk and sexy. If I closed my eyes I could almost picture black-lights and dancing shadows at a club. I could hear the thump, thump, thump of bass and bodies. Just one whiff and I was transported back to my college days when men smelled more like a magazine advertisement than Dove soap.

“Hi, my name is…how can I help you?”

“I need a phone.”

The coolness was already oozing from my mouth. The only sense that was functioning was smell. He was intoxicating.

I’m sure he was very good at his job, showing me all the options in the store, but I don’t really remember. My brain sort of shut off once my nose took charge. Of course I did somehow manage to find enough questions to ask to keep him occupied for thirty-minutes.

“So ma’am, can we go ahead and get you set up on this one?”

He was holding something – not really sure what – but there were a LOT of dollar signs.

Holy Crap! What did I say yes to? My smiling face had just kept nodding yes to all his questions. Plus, his immature use of ma’am had suddenly made me very aware of my lovely ensemble and started to come off my high.


“Um – no, not right now,” I stammered, “Perhaps you could give me your card and I could discuss it with my husband and let you know what we decided.”

Good answer. Good answer. Surely he heard me stress the word husband and would stop spreading around his mind-boggling aroma.

The wintry wind smacked me in the face as soon as I stepped outside. My lungs filled up with good clean city air and my trance had been broken.

Perhaps I’ll just order my new phone.

3 thoughts on “Cologne Scented Salesmen Should Be Outlawed

  1. Hate when they have on so much cologne you can taste it in your mouth. I also detest the abercrombie and hollister stores, at our mall located nauseatingly opposite each other, with their piped out to the mall cologne stench. Ugh.

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