Friday Flip Offs 12/17: Wants Vs. Needs & Things Moms Shouldn’t Say Out Loud

4:55am. I woke up 5 minutes before the alarm. My body groaned, begging me not to get out of bed. I think I mentally flipped off this day before it even started. Obviously, I pulled the heated blanket over my head, snuggled with Luna and hoped DW hadn’t noticed that I was not getting out of bed.

“Aren’t you going to run this morning?”

“um…yeah…no.”

A muffled laugh.

I mentally flipped off a vague memory of blabbing the night before that I was going to get up at 5:00 am even after DW said, “Oh no you won’t.”

Sigh.

My second thing in the morning flip has to go to the cranky old lady that yelled at me at the airport this morning. I was helping a cousin get home for the holidays. She goes to college near me but lives out of state. She packed a rather large, hard to manage, duffel bag. It took two of us to carry it successfully through the airport. We rode to the far left of one of those moving walk-ways. It just happened to be where we plunked down the gigantic duffel, but we were careful to leave plenty of room to walk around us. There wasn’t a soul on the people-mover when we first got on. Out of NO WHERE, I very grey-haired woman whizzed by us, grumbling and jostling her wheeled suitcase. She looked right at us and said:

“YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO STAND ON THE RIGHT SIDE!”

Yes, I just flipped you off as you walked away. Well, at least in my mind I did, although I did say rather loudly, “Really? ‘Cuz it looked like you got around us JUST FINE!”

Christmas is a week away and I’m done with my holiday shopping. I think. At least I keep telling myself that everyday, and yet those damn stores keep calling me back. I shake a very spent, chenille-gloved middle finger to everything being on SALE! It is next to impossible to shop for everyone else and NOT shop for myself. There are deals everywhere. Great prices on things I want and things I didn’t even know I wanted. Flip you limited time only and rare finds, like the awesome Keen boots I bought today for more than 60% off their original price. A fleecy flannel flip to Old Navy for putting all of their pajama bottoms on sale for $5 a piece. Next year…I will shop solely on-line and avoid having to decide between wants and needs.

The most unfortunate flip offs must sadly go to me, again. A two finger salute to my unfiltered mouth. It has betrayed me several times this week. Things bubbled over uncontrollably, and I am a little bit ashamed that I could say such stupid things. Learn from my mistakes people, lest they have been said in vain.

Scenario 1: Driving home from a few errands, The Hare kept insisting we needed to stop for donuts. She just wouldn’t take no for an answer. “Please mommy…please, please, paaaallleeeeaaaze can we stop for just ONE DONUT?!”

My response?

WE can not stop for a donut because it will just make my butt big!”

Her response?

“Then YOU can just watch me eat the donut, besides, your butt is already big.”

Scenario 2: The Tortoise came down to breakfast wearing the same outfit that she had on the day before. I insisted she change; she insisted nobody would notice she wore something two days in a row. I tried to explain that it was just gross to not pay attention to personal hygiene, that she should shower everyday and definitely put on different clothes. She pouted and refused to go change.

My response?

“Then be the stinky kid then. What do I care?”

Her response?

“Then I’ll be in good company. You wore that yesterday too.”

Scenario 3: No detail is needed other than to say that we are dealing with tampons, a pre-teen girl and swim practice. There is no tactful way to talk about this, it is just uncomfortable. I tried to coach her from outside the bathroom door, she yelled and cried at me from inside the bathroom to just go away. Then suddenly she yelled, “I know I’m holding it in the right place but it JUST WON’T GO IN!”

My response?

“Well, you gotta PUSH it in! Your body isn’t a vacuum you know. Your vagina isn’t going to just suck it up!”

Her response?

“Oh.”

We made it to swim practice on time.

Scenario 4: The Tortoise is now responsible for all of her own laundry. I moved her dirty clothes hamper into her room and have literally washed my hands of it. She continually was putting clean clothes back in the hamper so that she didn’t have to put them away, living out of a basket of folded clothes, and leaving dirties all over the bathroom floor. Now, she just leaves the dirties on her own floor. She also puts much less clothes in the hamper when she remembers to use it. And of course the reason she wants to wear outfits two days in a row? So that she doesn’t dirty something else that she will have to wash. Welcome to my world baby!

However, Luna frequently finds her underwear cast-offs and carries them around the house. It’s just gross. I know it is normal for dogs to lick and sometimes even eat the crotches out of underwear, but it still disgusts me. I’ve told her many, many times to put everything in her hamper or at the very least, just shut the door. This week I found Luna buried in stinky underwear. Did I mention we’ve been dealing with pre-teen menstrual drama? With underwear in one hand and the dog in the other. I stormed into The Tortoise’s room.

My response?

“I’m so tired of reminding you to put your things in the hamper! Now Luna smells like crotch!”

Her response? None.

The Hare’s response?

“What’s a crotch?”

I’m predicting I’ll need to pay for a lot of therapy for my kids in the near future.

5 thoughts on “Friday Flip Offs 12/17: Wants Vs. Needs & Things Moms Shouldn’t Say Out Loud

  1. I remember the time my stepdaughter told me in the middle of walmart that I needed to start drinking slim fast because “you are getting fat as a cow”
    Or at the beach, when she told me I shouldn’t wear the bathing suit I had on because “your but jiggles too much”
    oh, and preteen tampon drama… no one should have to go through that!

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