Identity Crisis

Do you ever feel like you suffer from a multiple personality disorder?

It’s not that I’m not authentic around certain people, it’s just that I’m not sure if I will be fully accepted as I am around some individuals. If that makes any sense – okay, for instance – I have my margarita momma’s that I can totally let loose, say whatever comes to mind, not worry about political or religious beliefs or panic if I throw out a colorful expletive. Then there are people that I feel compelled to always have my game face on and talk about more cerebral topics. There are the polite relationships, the competitive relationships and even some relationships where I lead, they follow or vice versa. And it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy almost ALL of these relationships, friends, or acquaintances but I worry about image. We all worry about impressions and opinions people have of us in different circles. That’s why I have tried to be so “anonymous” on this blog for fear that perhaps there might be some readers that might take me less seriously as a mom or volunteer in their communities based on one blog entry instead of really getting to know my true character. However, now I am at the cusp of a very exciting opportunity. A local on-line newspaper has accepted my blog as one of their “local writers” and will be linking it to their website. There’s a good chance that I will no longer be faceless in my neighboring community. That is a little scary. It took much courage already to link this blog to my Facebook page where all of my family, friends and highschool alumni could easily access pieces of my life. I am not naive to think that I haven’t already bristled some hairs of loved ones by putting my opinions so starkly in focus, but I don’t worry about these relationships. They have been strengthened over years, not internet content.

Now don’t get me wrong – there is a time and place for everything – I would never start throwing out “F” bombs during a parent teacher conference or talk about abortion in front of my middle school running team. There are just some things you don’t do if you are tuned in to your common sense. But I’m not sure why there are sides of myself that I hide in front of some and not others. Is it because I am not totally sold on my identity? I still stumble and stutter when people ask me “what do you do” because I interpret that as “who are you”. The answer to that latter question changes daily – but can’t we be a little of everything? Does me cursing with a close girlfriend make me less of a creative thinker? Does being interested and accepting of different religions make me less of a Christian? Does the fact that I like to get dressed up on a date night and enjoy feeling sexy make me less of a role model?

I would never purposely write or say something to intentionally hurt or embarrass another person, but I don’t want to apologize for things that I strongly believe. There is no way to make everyone content -comfortable- so the best I can do is allow myself to be myself as much as possible. And hope for the best. Afterall, it’s usually our flaws that end up binding us together, helps us relate on a deeper level.

This opportunity has made me start thinking about writing a book about all the things we don’t talk about – for fear of what others will think of us. There are also all the things that we don’t talk to our children about for fear that they will stop seeing us as an authority figure. But wouldn’t it show strength of character if people were more honest about who they are – or even more honest about who they were? We didn’t become the adults we are today because we followed all the rules or because we never suffered the consequences of poor decisions.

“Committing yourself is a way of finding out who you are. A man finds his identity by identifying. A man’s identity is not best thought of as the way in which he is separated from his fellows but the way in which he is united with them.”
– Robert Terwilliger

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6 thoughts on “Identity Crisis

  1. Yea for the opportunity! But I’m not surprised; you are such a good writer. You always have something interesting to say that makes people think. How did your mother get so lucky to have a daughter like you?

  2. What an awesome opportunity and I also am looking forward to my autographed copy! You are right, we ALL have made poor decisions and faced the consequences of those decisions. I agree that if we are brave enough to talk about those painful life lessons that perhaps others (namely our children) may escape the pain embarrassment or shame associated with those decisions. Soldier on my friend and just be YOU! That is enough! Love, Love, Love you!! Big Hugs!!

    1. Love you too – there isn’t anybody I’d rather clean puke off a driveway than you, my dear sweet friend. : )

  3. Hi Emi…you are very right. I find myself thinking of those same things all the time. I have found that by being honest with my monkey, and telling her all about all the crazy things I would do at her age, it is easier for her to relate to me. And about writing your book…just let me know when you plan to release it as I want a signed copy. BTW…you inspired me to start blogging as well…check out my blurts of insanity at bellamonkeysblog.wordpress.com. I would love your feedback…

    Hope to hear from you soon!

    1. LOL! I’m still in the “planning” process of writing a book…we’ll see what happens. And yeah for you on starting a blog too! I will certainly check it out.

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