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Blogging For Ourselves
There’s a small, quick breath of uncertainty that comes just before hitting PUBLISH on a post, especially when I write from the more private and unfamiliar depths of my heart. These stories and emotions that only a select few have heard, or perhaps witnessed, suddenly become exposed to a larger audience. My anxiety becomes less about the quality of my words, the grammatical structure or spelling, but about acceptance and understanding.
My mom asked me yesterday if I was worried about any fall-out from family or friends in regards to my post on Tuesday. I won’t lie. There was some hesitation as my cursor hovered over the large blue PUBLISH icon, concerned I would disappoint some of my dearest to the point of severing ties. However, as I looked at my words again, it was hard to think that those who truly loved me, could stop loving me for being honest. So I published.
My family is a rare symphony of harmonious melodies. Although our musical structure is slightly altered from one another, sometimes even trying to blend major and minor chords, the time-signature unites us. Our hearts beat in unison, loving each other unconditionally and I have no fear of being an outcast. We have a unique ability to honor one another because of our differences, not in spite of them.
Friendships are different. They are relationships based on limited perspective most of the time, shared interests and similar activities; glimpses of ourselves that we have allowed over time. We tend to morph into whatever personality best fits the relationship, too. I don’t think it makes us dishonest, or false, just guarded and safe. It makes us likeable.
My twentieth high school reunion is coming up in October, over our homecoming weekend. I’m excited about fall football in Texas, sharing funny antics about our “glory-days” and of course seeing how far many of my classmates have come in the last twenty years. It’s strange to me how Facebook and my blog have perhaps made me better friends with my classmates now than we ever were in high school. Somehow, these relationships sparked by our childhood, are now united by unexpected bonds that are not distracted by childish drama, economic divisions, or education. We are more transparent, partly due to maturity, but maybe also partly due to some false anonymity the internet provides.
I do think I am finally closer to the person I wanted to be.
Transparency is a crazy thing, though. I think there is a fine line between choosing to be transparent for the shock value versus being honest. Motivation is essential. I also think a writer must first write for themselves, then for their audience. We have to stop thinking about how we can use each piece to get paid or recognized. We have to write simply because the story itself is more important than anything else, regardless of the outcome, as if keeping those words bottled up inside would make our hearts explode.
I saw a wonderful quote yesterday on page 9 of Barbara DeMarco-Barrett’s Pen on Fire that said:
You cannot do good work if you take your mind off the work to see how the community is taking it. – Dorothy L. Sayers
This time, the community embraced my post with open arms, surrounded me with hope and encouragement. I could finally get out of myself and see how my story could positively impact another woman’s life rather than focus on how it negatively impacted mine. I know that won’t always be the case, honesty isn’t always received with such generosity and friendship. But hopefully, if I continue to focus on the work, and stop worrying about how the community will take it, I will hesitate less before hitting the PUBLISH button.
After all, isn’t that why most of us started blogging in the first place, to tell our stories?
You Can’t Take This Too Personally
Recently a fellow Twitterer (is that a word?) asked me this question:
As a blog is personal, do you ever have those weeks where life just doesn’t seem worth writing down?
My response was an emphatic YES. There are weeks that life just doesn’t seem worth getting out of bed, let alone write a blog post. Sometimes it feels like that old Dunkin Donuts commercial , you know the one, where the totally frustrated donut guy continually gets up every morning saying, “It’s time to make the donuts“, only I’m saying, “It’s time to make the lunches, drive to school, clean the house, wash the clothes, figure out dinner and still have time left over for my husband.”
I thought about that question a lot. It struck me that if I really believed my life wasn’t worth writing down, was I subconsciously saying that there are days I don’t think my life is worth the effort in general? Of course not! Every moment is a piece of my children’s intricately woven future and a snippet of what makes me who I am. Things may seem monotonous at times, sucking me into some weird mommy doldrums, but I know in my heart of hearts that being a mom matters. I know that the choices we have made as parents are part of something bigger than ourselves. I also know that creating ourselves, and understanding our purpose, is a life-long endeavor.
Then what is the real reason I might not write a blog post?
After looking at it from another perspective, I started to read that Twitter comment more like this:
As life is so personal, do you ever have those weeks where blogging just doesn’t seem worth putting yourself out there?
To that, I answer a more thoughtful yes. But why?
Fear. It appears that fear is the real reason.
Fear of my life, not my writing, being good enough. Yesterday is a perfect example. I finally completed a submission for Blissfully Domestic. I had avoided writing my monthly article for them last month, because I just don’t find myself that funny. (Although people do laugh at me often, hmmm.) I kept waiting for some iconic parenting moment to happen, thrusting me into an inspired frenzy, creating a perfectly humorous story. A story that would surely get me “noticed” in the blogging community. The little daily chuckles in my life just didn’t seem enough, (regardless of the fact that they had made me smile at some point during the day). If I keep trying to look at my life as big moments worth blogging about, then I am going to miss out on enjoying the small things.
Fear of receiving comments that are less than supportive or challenge my opinions. One of my blog posts was featured on Blogher over a week ago. I was immediately flattered and excited, until I started getting comment feedback. There were only a handful, but the one that I focused on,of course, was the one that didn’t totally agree with my parenting method. I took it personally at first, then I realized it was an opportunity to consider other styles of parenting, explain more fully my platform, or simply respect some one else’s opinion. This wasn’t about me not being liked. This was about allowing a community of women to engage in a conversation, build a connection, possibly even help one another out to be more secure women and moms.
Ironically, just this morning I read Questioning Your Blogging by Kludgy Mom and found myself saying “yes” to every one of her points. Not too surprising, I guess, that I’m not the only one either. Afterall, we are incredibly human, flawed. There’s an explosion of bloggers responding in unison, “Me too! Me too!” It sort of levels the writing field when you realize all of us have the same insecurities, when it doesn’t matter if your blog is big or small, because we are more than pretty websites or blog stats. We are real people behind these words just trying to maneuver through our days as best we can, looking for support wherever we might find it.
Maybe we aren’t really drawn to certain blogs because they are more popular, better written, funnier or more dramatic, but simply because they are willing to write it all down. And somewhere in all those words, on some level, we can relate.
Differences of Opinion are Well Received
Jan 24
Posted by My Pajama Days
One of the things I love best about blogging is engaging with a community. Opinions evolve. Perspectives change. Sometimes I see how inaccurately I projected my thoughts or even how off the mark I was by the responses in the comment section. I welcome your feedback and would like to take a moment to respond to a couple of great comments from yesterday’s post.
This first comment comes from Sandi Ormsby of Ahhsome.
Celebrity divorces are announced daily, it seems. I was at the salon getting my hair done this morning, chuckling at all the weekly magazine subscriptions laying on the tables. They are riddled with hook-ups and break-ups. I think what struck me the most about Heather Armstrong’s announcement was how much attention it is receiving from more respected news sources, if that makes any sense. She seems less of a celebrity to many of her followers and more of a friend or personal acquaintance. There are many bloggers that I read so often that I feel like I know them, personally. In fact, there are a handful that I consider friends because we interact outside of the blog world, albeit only through emails and text messages. Every time I hit “publish”, I am forever sharing a piece of myself, good or bad. My success with my failures and sometimes there is an unsettling feeling knowing that complete strangers have a very limited opinion of who I am.
The second comment comes from Kathleen at Richwell Ventures.
I do agree with Sandi that everyone needs to move forward in their own happiness – however that may look. Unfortunately, it is unlikely that fans won’t speculate about the circumstances or outcome, it is in our nature to have an opinion, even if it is based on nothing concrete, mere assumptions. My hope is that the Armstrong family has good communication and a loving support system. And yes, Kathleen, I suppose it is a bit naive of me to want to see long-term success without failure. Maybe what I really hope is that we are able to succeed with minimal failure. I fail at small things every day: lose my temper, forget to pack someone’s book, start dinner too late, etc. But the one thing I don’t want to fail at are my relationships. Those are the things I hope to keep close, protect them at all cost. Although I know that comes with a price too sometimes. I also agree with Kathleen, because I know personally the devastation of divorce. It certainly was not my intent to imply that divorce would cause someone to lose or damage a dream. But it is the end of one dream – until the next one is envisioned. Happiness is a choice, I believe, although some days are much harder to find it than others. I never went in to my first marriage thinking, “let’s just see how long we can keep this going“. Obviously, my dream was a life long journey. The journey just changed, but in the end, I found a different happiness, a different dream, and a different future.
My dream now is to follow my creative interests and write more professionally. I want to build a better blog, start a book and even do some public speaking again. But the biggest part of that dream, is having my kids and DW at my side. That is the part that is sad to see – the end of a partnership. Even though I know there are always opportunities to build new ones.
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Posted in My Pajama Ponderings
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Tags: blog comments, blogging, blogging community, celebrity marriages, divorce, Heather Armstrong