Emily Okaty Wilson

Learning to pace myself

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Emily Okaty Wilson

2008 NYC Half Marathon (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not much more than a month stands between me and the half marathon I signed up for back in January. I’ve been comfortably running up to eight and nine miles in the temperature controlled confines of my basement. My treadmill and I have a good relationship. I can count on one hand how many times I have run outside so far this year. All have required much effort. My neighborhood is not only an uneven surface, but extremely hilly, and my body complains each time I try to force it up the steep inclines, in spite of all the pounds I have already lost or the miles already run.

Last night the weather was perfect. The sun hung low in the sky, keeping the air a tempered breath of 73 degrees. It seemed foolish to run my scheduled three miles inside and DW was insistent that I get out of the house. He could sense my greyness. Armed with GPS, Pandora and a set of ear phones, I took off to the steady beat of music. Unfortunately, my connection to Pandora was lost almost immediately. I fiddled with the application for a few seconds, giving up reluctantly. I did not want to waste the remaining daylight.

I ran without the guiding rhythm of music to pace my steps. It felt disconnected and rushed. My feet seemed heavier than usual, and my breathing too quick. I could feel my stride elongating, putting too much strain on my knees and shins. Without the ability to count songs, estimating my distance, I felt anxious and concerned that I wouldn’t make my goal of three miles in 39 minutes. As I came to the edge of my neighborhood, about to cross into the adjacent community, I had to stop and catch my breath. Immediately I looked at my running application, anticipating disappointment, but to my surprise, I had already completed 2.7 miles in just 27 minutes. That is just a 10-minute mile. No wonder I was so winded. I’ve never run that fast before, but the irrational fear of failing my goal propelled me forward. My body wanted to quit and at that rate I was never going to make it home without collapsing.

Taking a deep breath, I stepped back into the road, wiping a warm bead of sweat from my brow. This time I listened more intently to the pumping of my heart and the rhythm of my breathing. The shallow sound of rough pavement echoed my body’s song, as my stride shortened to a more comfortable pace. Not only did I finish my three miles, but I completed a fourth in just 48 minutes total, an average pace of 11-minute miles.

It’s amazing how making small adjustments eases the tension so quickly and enables us to finish what we started. Sometimes my life feels like last night’s run, too fast and too furious. My inability to take things in stride makes me rush around irrationally, become frazzled and winded. Maybe, if I would just take the time to listen more, wait for my heart and my breathing to compliment each other, then perhaps I wouldn’t let the little things become so overwhelming.

Posted in My Pajama Ponderings | Tagged determination, goals, halfmarathon, Health, life, Mental health, Mile, Recreation and Sports, running, sports | 2 Comments

Somedays it’s harder to feel like enough

Posted on May 14, 2012 by Emily Okaty Wilson

Microsoft clip art gallery

Today, I feel like

the meanest mom

a half-ass housekeeper

a recreational writer

a novice runner

an ungrateful stay-at-home mom

a mediocre cook

a negligent friend

and an unattractive woman.

The last fourteen days have been an absolute blur, days and nights intermingling, blending seamlessly. I’ve chaperoned a four-day excursion to Cheboygen with six fourteen year old girls and one other mom, facilitated a swim birthday party for The Hare, helped run a dress rehearsal for The Tortoise’s musical, and hosted my in-laws for five days. Today and tomorrow I am babysitting an eight month old little boy, who is currently fighting sleep, just picked up The Tortoise from school, due to an upset stomach, and need to start packing to leave for a writing conference in Dallas.

Breathing feels like effort right now.

I just want to sit and stare out the window, wait for the chaos to pass, and revel in some solitary moments. The Prozac seems less effective lately and unfortunately I missed my last visit with my doctor. Someone was sick, and it wasn’t me. Obviously, I will call today and reschedule, but in the interim, I need to find the space in between, the space that feels more like indifference than sadness so I can get through the week.

Because hopefully, by the end of the week, I will feel like enough again.

Posted in My Pajama Ponderings | Tagged depression, family, Housewife, Mental health, Mother, parenting, PMDD | 9 Comments

I don’t support your censorship, just my own

Posted on May 1, 2012 by Emily Okaty Wilson

Censorship in it’s purest definition makes sense to me, especially in regards to moral censorship.

“Moral censorship is the removal of materials that are obscene or otherwise considered morally questionable. Pornography, for example, is often censored under this rationale, especially child pornography, which is illegal and censored in most jurisdictions in the world.” – Wikipedia

As a parent, I censor things all the time, from music to television to magazines and books. I don’t want my children overly exposed to unnecessary sexual content, vulgar language, risky behavior or religious and political propaganda. I don’t want their character to be manipulated in a way that contradicts the core values DW and I are trying to teach. And I certainly don’t want them to engage in activities that might compromise their futures. I wish the media made better choices about how women are portrayed. It would be wonderful if more young musicians would produce albums encouraging monogamy and self-respect. And, yes, I wish there were more movies or television shows featuring story lines about healthy relationships and honorable behavior.

However, censorship for the majority is a scary and unthinkable situation. For instance, the idea of banning books, limiting internet content or regulating what the music industry can or can not produce just seems absurd. Why? Because the minute we start censoring things, where do you stop? And who gets to decide what is considered inappropriate? Whose values or world view is right? What defines art or creativity? And how much important history would be lost if one group over another got to decide what is considered truth?

It’s not a government or religious right to parent the majority. It’s a parent’s responsibility to parent their child.

I am a hypocrite, no doubt. I want my children to make wise choices, but choices based on the examples my husband and I have provided. But I also want them to have opportunities to make choices based on their own beliefs and desires outside of my opinions.

In order to do that, they need to be exposed to a multitude of perspectives and ideas as they get older, holding on to the ones they agree with, yet showing respect to those they do not. Ultimately, when they become adults, no one other than themselves, should determine their religion, sexual orientation, depth of creativity, or self-worth.