It’s not that I don’t think about sex, I just don’t think about it often. I remember my mom warning me there would be a season in life where our husbands would want it more than we do. She just didn’t tell me how long that season would last. She also said that wine helps put you in the mood more often, but I doubt she meant that wives should stay slightly buzzed just in case.
I am attracted to my husband. He is strong and bold. His presence puts me at ease. I feel safe in his arms, seen when he looks at me and heard when he asks me questions about my day. I appreciate him and respect him as my equal. He is a more amazing father than I could have ever imagined and looks at the world through eyes of compassion and charity. And when we are together, alone, I am glad to be with him. I am available and feel beautiful in his presence. Our intimacy is not infrequent.
And yet, I am thinking about laundry and grocery shopping. I am recalling articles I’ve read and impending schedules. I am worried about why my youngest child went to bed grumpy or whether or not my oldest child and I reconciled our differences from earlier in the day. I am sorting ideas in my head, wondering why in the world I can’t seem to get motivated to get things done in a more timely manner. And sometimes, I am so caught up in my head, not present in the moment, that I will spontaneously blurt out the most ridiculous things.
“I talked to your mom today, her appointment with the gastroenterologist went well.”
It’s kind of a mood killer, talking about your mother-in-law, and her problems with acid reflux, while you are in the middle of foreplay.
There are days I know he wants me, maybe even needs me, but I am so overwhelmed with my own self-inflicted drama that I change clothes in our walk-in closet, hoping that by avoiding being naked in front of him, he will not pursue me. He will forget that he had his hand on my butt as we walked up the stairs for the night.
And yet, part of me could really use a hug. That’s all.
I want to want him more often, be the pursuer and the initiator. Make him feel just as important as he makes me. Love him in a way that speaks to him.
In the mean time, I’ll try not to talk so much.